5six7eight9ten

I fucking love you.

I dont know how to do this. i like you being part of me.

I thoguht it was going okay and even though we were having trouble we were working on it. I know feel a bit betrayed. I could deal with the open relationship, but sleeping with her. Someone we both know, and i trust. for fucks sake, and you didnt apologise.

Can we go back to a year ago?

It snowed the other day, an when im saying snow i mean like 2 foot of snow, london had not seen something like that for 18 years.
It made me homesick.

im feeling a bit lost and lonely.

pah.


i want a tattoo

I was just thinking that i only write the miserable stuff in here so when i look back it feels like my life was a shambles. i think im gonna write some good stuff in here!

I am loving uni, its really scary meeting new people and experimenting and i know i may never get a chance to do this later in life so im gonna make the most of it.

For example on fridays im going to optional lectures on photographer by this guy graham and i really think itll help me get the theory side. i do feel that im way behind everyone else but i will not let that affect me, im going to prove myself, do the best i can do.

Steve has a court date for a crime he did not commit, its been on my mind alot, what if he did do it? what if he goes to prison? but im staying positive, i know steve, we've both been through enough he wouldnt rob someone - what would he need? money? he would ask dad. he isnt trying to prove himself, he knows he a good guy so im curious how this will turn out.

Im also feeling way more positive about other things i think im feeling more assured aboutlife, the sudden change really threw me off but i really believe i can make it all right.

I miss alot of old people suddenly, i wish i had more time. I've also lost my social skills, im having trouble letting myself go with friends - im always on my guard.

Tomorrow im going to play with a medium format camera and im really interested to see how the film comes out. i havent got any ideas at the minute on my project of Issues im meant to follow through photography. hm

And now im letting people help me the Westminster LGBT is looking stronger and we went out last friday and it was really fun, everyone relaxed and chatted.
anyway going to cause mischeif

It's been a while.
So much has happened, i am probably a new person.
most definately older and wiser.

I'm writing this in hope that it'll give me direction and maybe i'll start writing here as a way of maintain memories.
Or just being silly.

Not going to carlisle with my girlfriend on tuesday, as on thursday i was reduced to the status on friend, which is okay it got to me because id got myself all geared up to be serious about it.

this is the first time ive had a chance to think about anything since thursday. im not appreciating it really. And to add to it Caroline says that i shouldnt go to carlisle as itll mess up the lines we created and in particular she drew up. but to be honest its probably a good thing. but in messing up lines and crossing boundaries all part of the fun?

i need a holiday far away from skyland.
I need a good chance to get absolutly shitfaced and forget everything. theres just too much going on and im finding it hard to talk about it as everyones busy and i cant quite bring it up.

I quickly want to thank all of you for your support and advice with the previous entry relating to the e-fight between me and Cassie, since she sent the email there has been no contact between us, and to advice of the majority im attempting to sort myself out and get over her.

The last few days weeks even months have been so busy i havent really had a moment to really think about stuff, whatever bugs me gets put the back of my mind for a while, whichhas been nice i guess because i havent really had problems.

Well i have kind of. Walking back from the station after seeing Hallam Foe (which by the way is amazing and everyone should go see it) i was thinking about times with Cassie and the way her eyes looked when she smiled and stuff like that, which got me a bit mushy and it made me want to call her riht then and apologise and reconcile, but the part of me thats stubborn put the figarative foot down so i didnt call her.

Stuff with mums rubbish and i havent really had the opportunity to talk about i, i hate bringing it into conversation because it some people just dont know what to say and also it makes me think too much. Just let it be noted that i know i forgive her far too easily, she was ridiculous to Steve "You think he some sort of bloody angel dont you, hes not hes a little cunt" this is her son shes talking about, i wa determined not to talk to her until either pon of us got a full apology, but as per usual i gave in and chatted to her.

And finally im scared about this year, i dont know what im doing, i think i might retake my coursework in media but im totally not retaking history, i cannot stand the tudors what a pain in the bum that would be. Also i dont know part of me does want to work in a bar but it seems so hard. and i want to do data entry but i dont think im well presented enough. If you've got any ideas....

Sky

Hi Cassie.

I hope you're well, i dont know if you are because although ive attempted contacting you several times you've never got back to me.
This and a few other things have been bugging me recently.
I thought it took the piss that on my birthday you kissed someone, knowing full-well that I was there with loads of my friends.To do this felt as if you dont give a shit about me, which is fine as that might be why you broke up with me, but it also felt hugely disrespectful.
It's been pretty hard trying to move on, but you never gave me an actual reason as to why you ended it, i've blamed everything including myself, it'd be great if we could clear this up, and i won't accept i'm going through "stuff", i told you about my mum which was pretty hard in itself so i think you owe it to me to be more specific.


Sky


____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

That's coz your calls are bad timing. First of all that kiss was a accident not that it's any of your business. And when did I say I was going through 'stuff'? I told you I wasn't in the right place in myself to be in a relationship and you know what I think that phone conversation we had shortly after your birthday took the piss when you said 'I have to talk about things, I for one know its not good to hold things in'. How dare you tell me how I should deal with my problems, you don't know the first thing about my issues so don't ever tell someone how to deal with their emotions just coz this one way worked for you.







____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

Im gonna let you guys interpret this. Honestly what do you think?

xxxx

Hello world.

why do i never ever ever get anything goddamn easy?
Dads gone away until the 21st. I have no money, well £2.24. I get my wages on thursday but those are my wages not housekeeping money. had a job interview today and i really dont feel confident. Shit.
One more dayand my friends get back from wales. i wish they were here now.

Im trying to get hold of Cassie so i can see her and possibly get closure. Its all jsut a fucking waste of time. Shes got a spa appointment and then her friends gonna cut her hair.
Its all a bit much and i havent had a break from this in a while.

Hmph.
Im living with a real double edged sword.

If she doesnt drink she has fits. (yesterdays left her with a nosebleed and two black eyes.
If she drinks then shes destroying her liver.

I usually succomb to the latter because the fits can lead to brain damage. Also theyre the scariest thing ive ever seen.

Im nervousabout this weekend. Im pretty sure my dads away, and steves not in very much. Maybe its the guilt getting to me... probably because im going to dinner tonight, going to work tomorrow and possibly going out saturday night.

I just dont know what to do or how to tell people, and even if i do tell them its not like it makes much of a difference.

Being here is harming me. I feel paranoid, shaky and generally icky.

Im feeling really paranoid at the minute.
Like ive got the plague or something.

The people i want to hear fromt the most arent there. Stuff with me isnt too great. I keep tearing up at nothing. I feel like people are avoiding me.

Im at such a weird place at the moment, seeing random people.
x

One left.
One exam left.
Im so happy.

But im not.

Im tired, ratty and lonely.
Its been almost two weeks since i last saw my girlfriend. I'm feeling all selfish, i want to see her, or to chat to her but shes got all this work to do and can't see or spend too much time talking to me.

I'm also a bit paranoid for the most ridiculous reason, i read the leo horoscope on saturday on the metro website and it suggested that being in arelationship wasnt good. Bear in mind that i called Cassie friday nightwhile i was at the pub with all my friends just to tell her how beautiful she was, but shed been asleep and wasnt as appreciative as i'd hoped. In fact she didnt say anythin back, i dont know im just feeling really self concious about everything.

The last few days has been me contacting her so im waiting i guess, but i feel stupid, and childish. But i cant bring stuff like this up, i hate confrontation.

But as always there arebigger problems in the world, like the fact i have a sociology exam on wednesday and im not ready.

I'm gonna go procrasinate more.

(i reread this and realised im a silly perfectionist who wants everything to go my way.)

First exams out of the way, i have no idea how it went i guessit was one of those exams where you just have no idea.

I don't quite know how i'm feeling, im glad ive got an exam out of the way, mghhh.
I know its not her fault that shes got loads of work on t the minute but i was meant to see cassie tomorrow and i cant, i cant pressure her out of work cause its blatently the most important thing on her agenda but i cant help feel a bit poo cause ive been feeling shit all week and just wanted some tlc, also i gathered all my friends for her and i probably wont see her next weekend. I guess its just part of the relationship shizzle.

However part of me's kinda glad shes not coming down because my mum was absolutly wasted yesterday and one more night of it anytime soon will drive me insane seriously. I keep coming really close to tears for no reason, and after a hard das revision yesterday i wanted to carry it on at home but i just couldnt, she kept falling over and her eyes took on the glazed look - once again i thought she might be dead, thats a scary thought you mum dying in the room next to you.

Anyway moving swiftly, i'm going to be okay. I will, i have ultimate groups of friends, friends who hold me when im sad, friends who get me drunk, friends who can bring the smile out.

I don't know what the future holds but i'll always remember the friends ive made and kept over the last two years because 6th forms been insane and everytime i go a little crazy theyll fix it.

xxxxxx

Define a week, is it from monday or from 7 days ago?

Thursday 24: Saw rachel and cassie and had a lovely time.
Friday 25th: End of school, got ridiculously drunk and got a cold.
Saturday 26th: Went to work, took Jessie for lunch made a really cool cat at work. Felt quite ill so came home and slept. lots.
Sunday 27th: rearranged my room and realised id lost my wallet. Pissed off about that. Cassie came over went and saw rachel at work had a nice time. Except no wallet.
Monday 28th: Woke up with Cassie and made her breakfast, watched power rangers film. Did some revision. Missed Cassie.
Tuesday 29th: Bad time at home, needed to escape but due to no money, no oyster card that plan failed. Was quite sad, first time cassies heard me like that. All other attempts to reach people failed. Went to graveney party and was cheered up ridiculously by semi strangers.
Wednesday 30th: I dont know, today i feel like im sinking quite a bit. I feel that my support systems a bit like a human pyramid with me at the top and my friends holding me up and making sure i dont fall, and some on the people are faltering and im wobbling at the top.

Im currently getting by through a massive avoiding of revision, thinking about the highlights of next week. Seeing Cassie, working at a bar, pirates of carribean, getting my first exam out of the way.

Rar.
I have no msn, im surviving. Somehow... haha. to be honest its quite nice without it really.

Saw Rachel at work yesterday was lovely as always is, we went to her work and harrassed Sabirah on her trial day :).

Today was good, i gave Harriet a hat cause she looked cute in it. Basically im writin this to waste time, im waiting. Waiting for half an hour to go so i can have dinner, waiting for an hour ten minutes to go so i can get on the bus to clapham junction, waiting to go to bed so tomorrow will come quicker so i can see Cassie sooner. Only problem is when the time comes and im with her the time doesnt last long enough.
I should really start buckling down but i can't stop going out i need to release stress and tension in a positive way.
Speaking of stress and tension mums sober at the minute, I'm unsure about how to act or anything really. Its well annoying cause i feel like im rude if im abrupt, but i feel like shes winning if im nice.

Allow the fact this is all going on and i have 3 1/2 weeks until my first exam.

Backup plan: No A Levels= Sky living on Rachels sofa in Brighton.


xxxx

Im so unbelievably satisfied with almost every aspect of my life.
My friends are wonderful. Old and New. They are all supportive and caring and little crazy.
I finalied my uni choices last night. Staffordshire is my first choice and Glanmogan is my second. Roll on exams.
Imnot as scared asi was last year, but i am shaky this year has been a bad year for tachers sociology especially. But this month im actually going to try. Im doing extra essays and extra work. However i do have a problem, Mum. I was getting into sociology revision and her pisshead self decided to fry food and obviously being mashed means that you forgeto put the extractor fan on and set off fire alarms, and any of you that know me know that i despise fire alarms and fire. I look at her and my stomach turns. stuff isnt good at home so im going to live in the library and at school - camp out on the hill, shower in the pe block... okay this is going too far.
Thursday will be one month with Cassie, im really happy about it, but ist it weird how time flies. She loves my brother and my friends and vice versa.

xxxxxxx

This weekend is going to be sick and it starts tomorrow. Ahah.

Going to go to the Ghetto, hopefully gonna see rachel, Luka, Baria, Cassie and Zari. Ive spent since 3.50 working with a few breaks.i deserve some funtime.
Friday night might go to inigo and see Lucy if i have some cash left over... Saturday is Claras and Conceptas shindigs hopefully ill be able to attend both of them. Im more excited about the latter atm, and finally Sunday im travelling upto Edgware with Rachel (hopefully)to see Cassie and Carly (hopefully).

Stuff with Cassies going so well at the minute, she adores my friends who love her straight back, she told her mum about me and the fact shes bisexual which is pretty important seeing as her family are Jewish. Thankfully she hasnt been kicked out :). Finally im taking her out to dinner thursday 10th (one month!).

I dont knowhow the workload is going at the minute, one minute im a lttle working machine and the next i just want to lie down somewhere quiet.

On that note im off to bed soon :)
xxxxxx

Ive got well superstitous recently cause of rachel:

Mine and Cassies Horoscope:
Usually a Leo will fall in love at the drop of a hat. But events over the past year or so have made you cautious (that or so damn busy you don’t have time to lose your head). That doesn’t mean, though, that romance for you is dead. Not now it ain’t.

Which is pretty funny really. Seeing as i accidentally told her i loved her.

apparentlysteve and dad almos came to blows this morning when id left to go to school. Im actually scared, i could see steve rising to dad and things getting way out of hand.
I just need to get out of this place, but steve needs to more, i know it soundsharsh but maybe if he wasnt here anddidnt have family around constantly he might appreciate it a bit more. I wish stuff was easier for him.

Before i knew about that i was excited about the upcoming week,
- Hopefully seeing Sian tomorrow which is great as i feel so open around her.
- Wednesday im definatly going to spend working, in the evening im hopefully bartending at the T.A Bar for some random thing.
- Thursday im back at school, not so excited about that just need to be out and about and seeing people. Thursday evening im seeing Cassie and going to the ghetto :)
- Friday always seems like a nice chillout day
- Saturday i have work - meh just keeps me busy during the day.
- Sunday i think im going to north london to meet cassies friends, just a little bit scared. heehee

Allow the fact that lifes a bit random at the minute.
xxx

Last night i went to the common and the pub, harriet, jessie, holly (g), claire, Hugh, Lily, Holly (d), Alana, Hannah. were allat the common and everyone except the latter 4 left, Holly got cold so we decided to go to the pub, Hollys girlfriend met us there. The nightwas spent hysterically laughing.

Only downside is steve gotall crazy with me, because i wasnt home at 8-30, its not like he was home alone, for the last week or so hes had friends around everyday and they often stay at night. He then spent £4 of my money on food and i asked for it back. Fair?
I dot know why hes so snappy at me.

So today i went to central london with cassie, wandered around went toneros went to hmv and virgin. SAW lady sovereign. Its just so nice not to be at home, we talked about meeting friends and stuff, i think im going upto edgware next week to meet her friends and the weekend after shell come down to the ghetto... i mean tooting.

i dont know feeling weird cause of steve thing.

What an absolutly perfect day. Im exhausted.

She walked upto me ad it was magical, she then got her present which was 10 white roses, she went bright red.
Went to leicester square then hydepark corner. Walking talking found a little spot, and we spent the next 4 hours talking kissing laughing and eating strawberries.

About halfway through the day
"errr this is probably a stupid question but i just wanted to ask, do you want to go out with me?"
"Yes."

It was actually perfection in a day, i dont know when ill see her next maybe thursday.

Today i learned about Passover and almost fell asleep a couple of times.

xx